I’ve always been vehemently against the stigma of being single on February 14th, never more so than this year after one of the most horrid cuffing seasons in recent memories. Cuffing season at the best of times is akin to warfare – a game of strategy and planning. Unfortunately, Millennial Femmes I’m sorry to announce that the dating pool is full of excrement. The dating pool has always been slightly contaminated with urine but in 2022, it’s time to officially announce that the dating pool doesn’t pass the vibe check. So, after a failed cuffing season, where does that leave Valentine’s Day? Valentine’s Day has been co-opted by patriarchal systems to incite shame and embarrassment in single women. Thankfully in 2022, our obligation to being single and unhappy in order to pacify society’s compulsion to marry has been asked to log out permanently. A single woman on Valentine’s day is not a desperate or destitute woman, she is a bold woman. A desperate woman is with a man stuck in a non-fruitful or loving relationship, due to an inability to be alone. Valentines Day is coming but at least you’re not with low vibrational men, who aim to detract from our value and femininity. Valentine’s Day is coming but you’re single and not with the following flawed types of men.
Single But Not With A
Hotep
The faux-sense of enlightenment, grand-rising individuals who spew spiritual fallacies and false equivalencies, to shame black women into regression and submission. Masquerading as simply pro-black and Afrocentric individuals, Hoteps employ pseudo wokeness and conspiracy theories to manipulate black women into performing a certain way. These are the men who will try to manipulate you into not using birth control, while reminding you that monogamy is unnatural. The most infuriating things about Hoteps are their reinforcement of respectability politics, antiquated perceptions of what it means to be and the role of a black woman as well as their excuses and justifications for certain misgivings of our male counterparts. Disgusting transphobic and homophobic rhetoric and unjust criticism of interracial relationships. The irony of “hotep” meaning peace in Egyptian, when they only bring strife. If you’re single this Valentine’s Day, take some relief in the fact that most Hoteps reject Valentine Day, labelling it as a “white mans holiday” or a holiday designed for white women.
– “Free yourself from the shackles of weave”
– “My Empress”
– “To bring down/ emasculate the black man”
Polygamy Pretender
Dating is evolving and unfortunately the poly pool can be equally as poo filled. Non-traditional and conventional relationships are emerging with more females preferring to free themselves from the shackles of monogamy and exclusivity. Open relationships where both individuals are available to engage in both emotional and physical relations with other people. Unfortunately, some men are exploiting the concept of polygamy to propagate infidelity. These men are pretenders to polygamy. They have co-opted the genuine concept of polygamy to gaslight women into accepting “ethical cheating”. Please avoid the men who are secretly seeking sister wives and not truly open relationships. If you’re single this Valentines Day, take relief in the fact that the women who have settled for polygamy pretenders are sharing their Valentines Day, experiencing the most romantic day of the year in shifts.
– “I don’t do labels”
– “It’s not cheating if we both agree to it”
– “Monogamy isn’t natural”
An “Alpha” Male
When I think of all the prominent self-proclaimed alpha males, I think of egotistical, apathetic males who perceive women as inferior. An alpha male strives to be dominant at the detriment of everyone else in his proximity. First of all, the entire notion of the alpha was debunked by the scientist who devised the concept. The premise was based on wolves in captivity and thus in survival mode. These self-proclaimed alphas are living in civilisation and have no reason to uphold archaic beliefs that frankly shouldn’t have a presence within modern day relationships. Alpha males enforce Biblical teachings of ultimate submissions and toxic masculine traits. I acknowledge the fact that some women may respond to the concept of an alpha male – to which I respect their perspective – however I personally believe that may be enrooted in unhealed internalised misogyny. Alpha men tend to objectify and commoditise their partner, perceiving them as products of their prowess. If you’re single this Valentine Days, take reprieve in the fact that you’re allowed to perform according to your independent goals and personal fruition. Also take relief in the fact that an alpha male, may justify using your money to take you out on Valentines Day because your money is his money, and its his role to lead.
-“I can never submit to a woman”
– “I must lead”
– “As an alpha male”
Single But
You Have A Tribe
Post pandemic we’ve realised how integral our support system and tribe are in the pursuit of self-actualisation, happiness and emotional stability. If this Valentine’s Day you’re lacking in romantic love but your life is overflowing with platonic love and sisterhood you’re still prospering regardless of what society pressures. I have spent my mid-twenties cultivating a sisterhood of smart, talented and supportive women, where nothing replaces the warmth emitted when I’m in the company of these amazing individuals. If you’re single this February 14th host a ‘Galentines Day’ or ‘Palentines Day’ and engulf yourself in love and positivity. Your tribe will be there regardless of “what you bring to the table”, “what your body count is” and through all the nonsense justifications unworthy men use to demean women.
Your Career Is Flourishing
What I love most about Millennial Femmes is our drive and ambition. Black women are the most educated demographic – I take pride in watching women generate multiple streams of income and gaining financial independence. If you’re single this Friday 14th, but your career is flourishing and your bank account flowing, you are blessed. The negative associations with being a single career woman are embedded in toxic masculinity and men’s inability to control women in the archaic manner they’ve been accustomed to. Money can’t buy you happiness and I believe that the achievement of career and financial goals is a product of the most important type of love – self love. Capitalise on your financial freedom with a solo trip or experience (i.e. massage). Make Valentines a ‘Mine’ day and treat yourself, please yourself and love yourself.
You’ve Reached Self-Actualisation
As cliché as it, the sentiment still runs true – “you can’t love someone else, if you don’t love yourself”. The ultimate measure of self-love, is the attainment of self-actualisation and the sense of fulfilment. Being in a relationship but dependent on your partner for the attainment of your needs (i.e. safety, financially, emotionally) may lead to stagnation. Struggling with self-love and body image issues may cause a dysfunctional relationship dependent on external validation. As a society we need to validate being single and working on yourself, acknowledge the detriment of being with the right individual at the wrong time. If you’re single this Valentine’s Day, but you’re manifesting happiness and completeness in your life, then you’re thriving. Being with someone incompatible with your future or ideal, just to avoid being alone is low vibrational and Millennial Femmes are not low vibrational. Valentines day is to be valued and appreciated – value and appreciate everything you have achieved and set future goals.
Concluding Thoughts
As a commercial holiday, I have no aversion to Valentine Day. It’s a day to celebrate an emotion/ concept that this world is devoid of, however I resent the pressure that the day places on women. Being single and content instead of in a relationship with an individual who doesn’t add value to your life, coveys the upmost self-love, self-worth and self-respect. Self-love above everything, especially above a holiday based on a shape meant to represent bunda’s and a baby in a diaper. If you’re single or in a healthy and fulfilling relationship – with a happiness independent of your partner – enjoy this day with your partner but don’t forget to appreciate everything you’ve achieved.
Millennial Femme 