DEAR JOHANNE: I no longer love my boyfriend

Dear Johanne,

I’ve been in a 10 years relationship with my boyfriend but I no longer love him. I care about him and I don’t want to break up, but the spark is gone, i even think about other men when having sex. What should I do?

You’ve made quite a bold statement there which is essentially saying ‘I’m prepared to stay in a loveless relationship no matter what’.

Firstly, I would say if that is the case, I would strongly encourage you to work on loving yourself first and foremost. Knowing personally, how much you deserve as a person and in life, helps you hold others to account. And sets a framework of standards that you are willing to accept or not. Woman to woman, I really want you to have the self-knowledge and aspiration that goes above staying in a dead relationship. So please go and investigate! And can I reassure you, that each and every one of us deserves to love and be loved regardless.

Secondly, I wonder if you are confusing love and good sex – because these are two distinct and separate things. One might follow the other (i.e. sex with someone you love is whole different experience to just having sex period!). BUT, 10 years in ‘relationship years’ is lengthy, and all relationships after this amount of time need constant work and commitment to keep them valid, interesting and you desirable to each other.

One of the biggest relationship mistakes is taking each other for granted. So I’d ask whether you guys are putting in the graft on a personal level? Do you make time for each other? Hangout as a couple? Do you make the effort to continue to know each other well? Talk and communicate your needs and desires? You may find if you work on this intimate relationship part, the good sex will follow, as you are wholly invested in each other.

However, sometimes it is just as simple as the need to spice things up! Sex with the same person, can become monotonous or transactional after a long time, if you don’t make the effort. Have you tried talking to your partner about how they feel about your sex life?  Are they up for it? It’s a two-way thing for sure…

And there is a whole host of ‘things’ you can do to create a new spark. I would start by having an open conversation on what you both want sexually, maybe what you feel is missing and what you’d like to do! There’s so much more to sex if you really want to go there – nothing a quick private google won’t throw up. Try agreeing and experimenting with something new and see if that shifts the dial. You might surprise yourself and your partner!

I really wouldn’t worry about thinking about other men during sex either – it’s completely natural, if you aren’t getting stimulated enough, to find a way to hit the spot for yourself (who doesn’t channel a bit of Mahershala Ali, or whatever your preference, when needs must!) Park that and concentrate on the deeper issues and I promise the rest will follow.

Good luck girlfriend!

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