Dear Johanne: Boyfriend started seeing someone during our 3-month break

Dear Johanne,

I’ be grateful if this could be kept anonymous. I’ve been with my man for 2 years and when we went on a 3-month break, he started seeing someone else. We got back together at the start of the year and I’ve just found out that he kept seeing that girl behind my back but obviously kept it from me. We’ve got a solid thing going on, or so I thought, but I’m so hurt. I don’t think I want to leave as he has assured me that it is done. I’ve reached out to the girl behind his back and she told me he dropped her because he’s got a girl. Am I crazy for wanting this to work? Or do I just cut my losses and call it a day? Help please x

Johanne’s Response:

Instinctively, my first reaction is girl you need to leave him! He has broken your trust and has made you feel insecure about yourself and your relationship. And not only did he cheat but it sounds as if, he cheated over a significant amount of time, which takes a lot of deception and lies. I’m not feeling this man’s morals or decisions. HOWEVER, this clearly is not something you are sure you want to do right now and maybe your heart and head are telling you conflicting things. So, let’s take it back it a bit.

You say you have a rock-solid thing going on, however, you both decided that you needed a three-month break after two years together. What were the reasons behind this decision?  Do they give you some insight into how and why the foundations of your relationship have been shook? Leading him to make the decision that his feelings and wants came above yours?

It easy to just consider the outcome and what you want to do next. But if you want real answers you are going to have to dig deep, analyse and really investigate yourself and your feelings AND what you need to happen to be happy. You deserve to be respected and treated properly. Maybe consider, if the shoe were on the other foot, would he stand by you? Knowing most men…my guess is not.

My other question to you would be: Will you be able to trust him going forward? As without trust there is no relationship. Will you be able to reconcile this situation with yourself and know that you will be able to let him live freely without constant doubt and questions in your own mind, for example when he lives the house or doesn’t pick up the phone?

If the answer is no, then I suggest you cut your losses now before are too far in, more committed, possibly even have children together.  Believe me, it’s way harder to leave the longer you are in a relationship and a toxic cycle develops.

If the answer is yes, then you both need to talk honestly and openly about how you are feeling now the truth is out, make some trust pledges to each other and plan for your future happiness. I would also suggest enrolling the help of a third party e.g. relationship counselling to help you work through all the issues cheating throws up.

And if you still can’t reach a decision, take time to consider what advice you would give to your bestie or daughter in the same situation!

By Johanne – Dear Johanne ( Dating & Relationships writer). Read more about her here.

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