Cuffin’ season – COVID-19 Edition

Cuffing Season – the period between autumn and winter, where the weather gets colder and the single people normally content with casual relationships, look for a short-term relationship or partner to hibernate through the winter with.

Winter is coming and with it, the inevitable fluctuation of hormones that triggers our intrinsic desire for affection and the need to be “cuffed”. Cuffing season is when after a season of “hot girl summering” and backing it up on the people’s man, fatigue has set in and all the desire to get glam and drive the boat has evaporated.  The days are shorter, serotonin levels drop and as the everyday monotony of adulting settles in, we undergo a shift in priorities. We swap the skin out clothes for comfortable lounge wear and decline outside engagements in favour of our beloved “Netflix and chill”. The objective of cuffing season is to secure a boo-thing to get entangled with the WAP for the winter and to satisfy the emotional prerequisites us humans require.  In the past, when I’ve skipped cuffing season, the lack of social interactions, warmth and comfort genuinely left  me contemplating purchasing a pregnancy pillow and sexually frustrated with carpal tunnel. There’s just something comforting about coming home from a dismal day of work to familiar face, some snuggling on the sofa and foreplay in front room. If done successfully, you will have a partner to navigate the constant stream of social events and festive obligations, pacifying the family members who pester you for marriage and children.

Has Coronavirus Cancelled Cuffing Season?

In short no, coronavirus hasn’t cancelled cuffing season, but it definitely has complicated it. In the past, a successful cuffing season was dependent on a vigorous preseason summer consisting of sensual shenanigans, flings and potentially a holiday romance. Normally we’d spend our summer living our best lives, creating memories we won’t tell our children about until their 21 and accumulating a plethora of new numbers in our contact list. However this pre-season scout was completely different – it’s hard to secure whine you’re social distancing or socialize when all the bars and restaurants are shut and the streets feel like a ghost town. Thankfully the stigma of meeting someone online has disappeared, and the first few days of the pandemic saw an influx of new online dating profiles – individuals desperately seeking someone to quarantine and chill with. If you’re looking for someone to indulge in cuffing season with, I’d suggest you start perfecting your profile and pillow talk now and get swiping.  

For the foreseeable future, our ability to kiss strangers in the club, participate in one-night stands, or date multiple people has disappeared – unfortunately no one has informed our libido and you may still have certain itches that needs to be scratched. With the government suggesting a small bubble of friendships and intensifying lockdown restrictions (i.e. working from home and curfew) the need to lock off your links and commit to one person for this winter season is imperative. Find that special someone to self-isolate and spoon with, as human we crave social interaction and physical touch – coronavirus and the harsh realities of lockdown means finding a cuff buddy has never been more useful to surviving the winter.  

Advice for Cuffing During Coronavirus

• Pick your penis wisely – Normally cuffing season is preceded by a drafting preseason reminiscent of the ‘X factor’ auditions stage, however the complete evisceration of our summer social life has all but removed the vetting stage. The lack of transition from single to settled is a major cause for concern, especially when taking into account the expedited nature of the cuffing season. Although the objective of cuffing season is to settle down for the winter, committing too early to an individual is a rookie move. Premature commitment to the wrong person can throw your cuffing season into disrepair, as starting from scratch too far into the season may mean that everyone left on your draft is already cuffed.

• Don’t let the winter roast lead you astray – I wholeheartedly believe that f*ckboys reach their optimum dickamtising potential in the winter – the cold weather empowers their cold heart while simultaneously stimulating the heat in our loins. In winter the days feels shorter, fanny flutters flutter harder and the stroke game is stronger– the collision of all these factors can cause temporary insanity leaving even the smartest of girls, susceptible to extreme dickmatization. Being cold, lonely and horny doesn’t excuse red flags and we shouldn’t fall into toxic situations, consisting of nothing but good dick and bad decisions.  
   
• It’s okay if you’re just a cuffing couple   – The objective of summer is to find a partner for the winter, however not all individuals are ready a long-term relationship. The pandemic has deleted out ability to casual date and some individuals just require someone to hibernate and hook up with. Unfortunately, after several months of “cuffing” the relationship may run it’s natural course and you realise that you’re just not compatible with the individual. Most cuffing season situationships don’t make it to Valentine’s Day, especially not with singtime springtime and hot girl summer impending.  So I implore you to not book any holidays or winter breaks, because not all airlines offer refunds and most require 30 days to process.  Unless you’re getting “flewed” out (free of charge), I recommend you get through the Winter Wonderland stage and assess after the Christmas period.
  
  
• Stay safe and set boundaries – the term cuffing seasons derives from the word handcuffed (i.e. being handcuffed to someone) or if you’re me handcuffed to the bed. If you’re interested in exploring BDSM or anything new with your cuff buddy, make sure you’ve established safe words and verbalized what you feel comfortable doing.  Consent and contraception is non-negotiable and so is remaining coronavirus free. We are in a pandemic, so ensure that the person you’re with is adhering to basic guidelines (i.e. not on the street acting reckless and negligible). If someone develops symptoms, please self-isolate together and order a coronavirus test. If you want to be extra safe, I suggest doggy style, reverse cowgirl and the wheelbarrow – avoid them droplets.

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